“Spiritual Maturity”
by Kelvin Chin
Author
Meditation Teacher
Being a Nice Person
Many spiritual seekers, i.e., people who are intent on being more spiritual and conscious of their own personal growth, think that “being a good person” means being nice to everyone they encounter in their life. And “being nice” is often interpreted as meaning engaging with and even sometimes embracing cruel people.
Really?
No. We need to walk away from people who are abusive and cruel. We need to judge their behavior as inappropriate — that’s what I call “bad” behavior, actions that are hurtful and harmful.
And yes, there are “bad” people in the world. I put it in quotation marks because no one is inherently bad or good — each mind has the choice to be kind or hurtful.
But the belief that many spiritual leaders promote that “deep inside everyone is a good person” is a myth. Living life with that false belief makes one vulnerable to being abused and mistreated by people who are psychologically unstable yet skilled at being manipulative. And waiting for or expecting “bad” actors to change is pure folly.
Yes. I’m sorry to say there are many people in this world who are cruel and hurtful.
A huge part of living a life of contentment and inner peace is seeing and accepting reality. Living in a bubble of myths and illusions will guarantee disappointment, pain and suffering.
Being a nice person to those who are nice to us is appropriate. Allowing abusive behavior from others is not acceptable.
Being Like a Child
Another myth that many spiritual seekers share is that “we all should be like children.”
How many times have we heard someone say, “Look at how children unconditionally accept everyone and everything — we adults need to be like that again.”
Really?
Sure, very young children generally can be more acceptant of everyone and everything than adults who have been conditioned and molded by their cultures and surroundings. I’ll give you that.
But those children also often lack the ability to reject bad behavior outright. They are not born knowing how to draw boundaries in their relationships and their decision making — which ironically is why they seem so acceptant of everything. And drawing boundaries is important to learn as they navigate through life, which responsible adults need to teach them.
Moreover, childhood extends into the teens and we all have known or even been the victims of elementary and middle school bullying, so let’s not romanticize childhood innocence too far.
So called “childlike innocence” is not something to be aspired to when it results in putting one’s hand on the hot stove. Even a child can eventually develop the wisdom not to.
Being One With Others
Another common belief among spiritual seekers is that we are all connected and some would even say, “we are one consciousness.”
Really?
One consciousness means one mind. That means only one decision by that mind at a time. Is that a description of the world we live in?
Of course not.
Each mind or consciousness has its own unique ability to make decisions separate from every other person in the world. That’s the reality we live in.
Sure, we can say that we are all “connected” with each other. That’s accurate because we all can and do influence each other.
But to say “we are all one” is a misstatement and misunderstanding that can lead to suffering. Because when we encounter someone who is abusive or cruel, if we truly believe “we are one” with everyone, then we might incorrectly accept their abusive behavior “as ours.” That we are also abusive along with them, or that we somehow deserve it. And that’s not only a complete mistake in our understanding, but also a source of unnecessary pain and suffering for ourselves.
Their behavior is their behavior. We are not responsible for someone else’s behavior. We are not “one” with them in that way.
So language and word choice matter. Because it communicates to us what we believe is true and accurate. And that affects our view of ourselves which directly impacts our happiness.
Being Spiritually Mature
First, what do I mean by “spiritual maturity”?
Simply put, I think it’s the ability to navigate life with as little drama as possible.
To be able to see potential hazards in the road of life before we drive through them and instead to develop skillsets to navigate our vehicle around them without being harmed by those hazards. Sure, nobody gets through life without a few scratches or dings in their car doors. But can we live without major accidents and the accompanying injuries?
How does spiritual maturity develop?
My experience has been that it comes from life experiences. Many life experiences. And not just from having a wide variety of experiences but also from observing and understanding the motives behind people’s actions. For me, that understanding has come from a trial and error process over many years, even lifetimes, of seeing what people say and do, and then what the consequences are afterwards.
By watching and engaging in that process repeatedly, one gathers a database of information about people. One learns the wide variety of ways they think and act.
And by observing and learning, we can gain insights into what the “red flags” are in the behaviors of others that will telegraph their underlying intentions to us. And we can then act proactively instead of having to scramble reactively. Having to be reactive increases our chances of making a mistake that might cause us harm.
So I think developing our sense of spiritual maturity is crucial to increasing happiness in our lives. Why? Because by learning more about the huge range of human behaviors, we not only teach ourselves how to avoid problems but also how to get our own desires fulfilled in ways that are effective, and importantly, not hurtful to others.
Does Spiritual Maturity Guarantee Happiness?
No. Because we cannot control everything or everyone in the universe. Other people can and will sometimes do things that are contrary to our own happiness.
But it will help us live with less anxiety and suffering. Because we will have learned how to avoid and if necessary extract ourselves from the presence of others who may either be intentionally (deliberately) or negligently (cluelessly) causing us harm.
The ability to see those risks coming sooner than later — combined with handling them skillfully if we cannot avoid them — will increase our chances of being successful at living life free from suffering, and instead, with greater contentment and inner peace.
Kelvin H. Chin is a Meditation Teacher, Life After Life Expert, and Author of “Overcoming the Fear of Death,” “Marcus Aurelius Updated: 21st Century Meditations On Living Life” and “After the Afterlife: Memories of My Past Lives.” He learned to meditate at age 19, and has been teaching Turning Within Meditation and coaching others in their self-growth for 50 years. He helps people understand their life challenges through their individual belief systems, and helps them find their own solutions. His past life memories reach back many centuries, and he accesses those memories in his teaching and his coaching in the same way all coaches draw on their own available experiences for perspective and effective analogies. He can be reached at www.TurningWithin.org.